On That Layered Red Tiles

She was wearing printed flowers shirt with pastel colors. The kind of outfit that she'd chosen as a representation of her feeling.

A black paper-bag was in her hands.  It was a gift that she'd prepared for his graduation gift. Remembering him put her heart into an uncontrollable condition, but somehow she seemed pleased.

A message popped in her phone; it was him telling her that he'd done the graduation ceremony. The girl smiled and quickly made her strides to the main building. Her heart skipped a beat again.

It was crowded and the sun was shining too brightly. She tried to text him back asking his exact location but no reply. She called him but the signal was too bad.

"How can we find him?" the girl's company, her cousin, asked.

They were in the middle of the crowded, most of them were wearing gown and of course mortarboards on their heads. The girl answered, "I don't know. But we'll find him."

Then she moved forward, made her cousin to follow her lead. She honestly didn't have idea where to move but she just put another quick stride with her gut feeling to follow. She just knew she would find him.

Magically, she was right. She'd found him within five minutes in the middle of hundreds or maybe thousands of people. "That's him." She told her cousin.

The moment she walked to him her hear burst again into different colors. He was taking pictures with some of his friends that he didn't notice her coming. But when his eyes found her, they sparked in disbelief. "You're here! How did you find me?" he asked her.

She could feel her face burnt, not for the sunlight but his stares. "I was following my heart. I could find you anywhere," she told him.

"Alright."

"For you," she extended her hand, gave him the gift she had prepared.

"What is it? You had given me gift before," he exclaimed.

"Well, that was from my Mom literally. This one from me."

"You know you don't have to bring anything. I'm beyond happy for only seeing you come," he told her. But she just shrugged.

The next minutes she spent only to absorb all of the moments. He'd asked her to wait while he was greeting all of his coming friends. The girl stood a few meters away, watching his face lit up once again like the sun. Feeling his happiness radiated into her heart. She wished the moment could freeze.

Then he brought some cakes for those who'd come to see him. And he sat there, on the dirty red tiles without hesitation, still in his gown and mortarboard. He's cheerfully joking around with some of his friends while the girl kept her close distance with him, refused to be out of his sight anymore after he'd thought she'd disappeared a moment ago.

"You have to eat this," he pointed the cakes while looking into her face.

"I've finished one before," she told him.

"No, you have to eat more," he insisted, then picked a brown cake for her.

"Not that one," she murmured. "That one." She pointed on another one, the yellow one.

He picked the yellow one for her with his fingers and extended his hand, put the cake on hers. He smiled and she smiled back. Butterflies took off.

His friends were slowly lessened. Only a few stayed and talked with him. The girl still stood not far from him, talked with her cousin and complained about the humidity.

"Come sit here," he said all of a sudden to her. His hands patted the tiles besides him.

The girl stared at him in disbelief. First, they were too dirty to be seated; Second, she's too shy to be that close with him. But he insisted.

"No, I'm okay," the girl said.

"Oh, wait," he abruptly stood up and walked to his another friend, asked for some tissues.

Within seconds he already spread some tissues on the floor, created a layer for the girl to sit. He must've thought the girl refused because the tiles were dirty. "Here, sit with me," he asked her again while patting those layered tiles. She smiled.

They were sitting very close, knees touched. He kept on talking and joking like usual, as if they had been together and talked to each other for ages. And those seven years had never been existed.

For many times that day, she wished the time would freeze. That she could sit there with him forever, never moving forward. But she told herself one thing;

He's enough. She wouldn't ask for more. She wouldn't make a mistake she'd done before. He's enough.

But was she enough for him? What if it was mere her hope?

On that layered red tiles, in the middle of crowded strangers, right besides him, a regret started to crawl into her. For a brief moment it even replaced her hope.

She should've waited. She should've just waited. She should've not wasted her time with someone else when they weren't together. Everything would've been different. Everything would've been easier.

And just like another beautiful day, time ended it. She had to go.

"Are you leaving now?" he asked her. She wasn't sure whether it was true or her misconception. He looked disappointed. His eyes started to be somber, just like her own.

"Yeah, it's been two o'clock. Congratulations for you again," she said, still managed a smile. It was bizarrely difficult for her to leave.

"Thank you so much for coming," he told her again over and over.

"That's okay."

"I wish I could take you to the front gate," he abruptly looked full of guilt.

The girl darted her eyes in surprise. "You would?"

"Of course. But after all of my friends had left," he smiled. That crooked smile that she'd recognized since many many years ago.

"I'm sorry I can't wait any longer."

"Okay. Take care. Be careful on your way home," he smiled again.

Her heart started to sink but she smiled, it's time to leave. No guarantee that they could meet each other again. Each of them had taken different path. "I'll see you soon."

And she walked away. Ended another beautiful day in her life. Engraved another unforgettable moment in her memory.

The drizzle somehow started to fall on the roof. She quickened her strides. But she looked back.

Once. Twice. Three times.

Still, she kept on walking away. She believed, what was meant to be happened, would happen no matter how. Sometimes we just need to believe.



xxLAC

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Longing words

Black suit.
Striped blouse.

A bright face lit up like the sun.
He smiles.
My heart bursts into bright colors.

He calls out my name.
Those butterflies get off of the ground.
Bringing the burdens away.

He smiles.
He tells me everything.
He laughs.
All of those years turn into void.

But the only enemy starts to knock down.
It is time they called.
Hovering with it's smirks.
I'm doomed.

The happiness lingers.
Until time turns it into weapons.
Killing with longings.

Hope is the only remains.
Invisible but enough.
Enough to calm the ruthlessness.

I hope our paths to cross again.
When they do, trust me.
Time will be the ally.
And we no longer saying goodbye.

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An English Lit Student's Story (Belajar Apa di Sastra Inggris?)

I'd never imagined once that I would end up being in a Literature major. My father and I always made a plan on medical studies or law as the second option (as my father was a policeman that he suggested me to go to law school eventho I always refused it)... Eventually, I went to medical school for two semesters, and decided to quit due to some personal reasons. In the end, in 2014, I entered English Literature Department.

Most of people kalau udah dengar kata Sastra Inggris pasti yang terlintas di benak mereka pasti ujungnya jadi guru Bahasa Inggris. But, I will tell you that Sastra Inggris dan Pendidikan Bahasa Inggris itu is a completely different major. Apa yang dipelajarin di Sastra Inggris kebanyakan gak dipelajarin di Pendidikan Bahasa Inggris dan begitu juga sebaliknya.

English Literature is more likely to learn culture and society meskipun disini juga dipelajarin linguistics in terms of English. When I chose English Lit, what in my mind was, yah kita bakalan belajar grammar atau berbagai macam teks in order to be able to write and communicate well in English. It never crossed in my mind at all that the lessons would mainly about budaya, sejarah, teori kehidupan, filsafat dsb. 

Awal semester dulu rasanya masih damai dan sejahtera karena semuanya masih dasar. Kadang malah suka seneng sendiri karena tugas sedikit and were too easy to finish. Setahun di FK dengan segudang tugas, hapalan, dan praktikum made me a little bit surprised sama tahun pertama di English Lit department. Di Eng Lit kalau udah pulang kuliah yah gak ada beban, gak perlu mikirin hapalan, jurnal, logbook, apalagi praktikum. Pokoknya tahun pertama serba santai...

Sampai akhirnya masuk semester III dan here the hectic begins. English Literature is not as easy as I ever imagined. Mata kuliahnya udah aneh-aneh dan gak bakalan ada sangkut pautnya sama mata pelajaran pas SMA (mungkin karena SMA-nya di Indonesia)... Sejarah bangsa Inggris mulai diperkenalkan berikut para Raja/Ratu-nya dan kisah sejarah mereka which is more like a fairy tale than a history dari zaman dulu sampai zaman sekarang. Belum lagi hal-hal linguistik seperti fonologi dkk yang kalau dipikir-pikir agak kurang kerjaan. Tapi yah namanya juga ilmu...

Ada juga mata kuliah yang dosennya kerjaannya cerita tentang sejarah dunia beserta filsafat akan hidup ini. Kemudian, poems, drama, short story, dan novels pun diperkenalkan... We're quite familiar with tokoh-tokoh seperti Hemingway, Shakespeare, Hardy, Dickens, Bronte, Browning dkk yang hidup di masa lampau. You'll be asked to read poems, plays, short stories, or novels in order to finish your weekly essays.

Essai-nya bukan resensi dari bacaan-bacaan itu, sama sekali bukan :(

You'll be asked to take one aspects based on your readings, internal or external. Misalnya bahas short story karya Hemingway yang The Old Man and the Sea dari segi symbols yang terdapat di dalam karya tsb. Simbol-simbol dalam karya itu maksudnya apa, dan kenapa dia buat kayak gitu...

Ada juga ketika membahas the old and famous literary work yang dimiliki Inggris judulnya Beowulf. Teks Beowulf doesn't use English that you know nowadays, teksnya pake Old English yang completely different with modern english. So, my lecturer gave us the copy of Beowulf yg harus diterjemahkan lebih dulu ke English modern (you can imagine how frustrated). Shakespeare juga gitu, naskah Romeo and Juliet yang dipelajarin ditulis dalam dua model bahasa Inggris. Mid English and modern English...

Talk about Shakespeare, mungkin in your mind kita bakalan berperan dalam drama gitu trus ditampilkan di depan. Sayangnya tidak seseru itu... Salah satu karya Shakespeare yang kami bahas pastinya the famous Romeo and Juliet. You read the script, and you take one problem represented in this work. Waktu itu aku ambil judul tentang reckless-nya sikap remaja dalam hal percintaan. So, I made my paper talking about that dan harus ditunjukkan kenapa Romeo and Juliet ada hubungannya sama hal tsb. Kalau sering baca cliffnote atau sparksnote, you'll understand what I mean...

Semakin tinggi semesternya, semakin complicated. I found out myself being so devastated kalau udah midterm weeks dan pas UAS. Emang sih kebanyakan ujiannya take home assignment, dan ke kampus pas UTS dan UAS cuman buat ngumpulin tugas dan ttd absen. But, tugasnya itu gak semudah yang dipikirkan dan gak bakal mungkin buat copy-paste. You have to read the novels given, find out the problems in order to write your own essays. Mostly sih tentang problematika hidup yang digambarkan karakternya. Contohnya kayak materialism, feminist, existence of God, sosio-kultural, discrimination, cross-cultural, dll lah.. Thus, gak bakalan cukup baca novelnya aja kalau gak baca sejarah penulisnya atau kejadian di tahun ybs.

Itu tadi soal mata kuliah sastra-nya, kalau linguistik beda lagi. Linguistik masuk kategori ilmu pasti dan beberapa bahkan ada rumusnya :') Pembahasannya itu menganalisis dari hal terkecil bahasa yaitu sound (phonology) sampe hal kompleks seperti discourse analysis.. Ada juga tentang how you acquire language, atau the relations between language and your mind alias Psycholinguistics. You'll learn why only human can acquire language, how you acquire it, dll which are so complicated but cool. Yeah, science is cool... 

Oh, and about grammar. In English Literature you'll find out two different types of grammar. Present Tense dkk itu dianggap udh dikuasain dan you'll be introduced to the great complication called SFL (Systemic Functional Grammar). This is so frustrating dan sampe sekarang I still don't get it why Halliday nyiptain teori SFL-nya itu (eventho my discourse analysis lecturer mati-matian belain si Halliday dan SFL-nya) XD

The point is, in English Literature juga you will learn mostly about life. You will learn how complicated this world is and how you should behave. How great human is and how our mind is a complete universe. And, yang terpenting adalah kenyataan bahwa segala aspek ilmu itu gak ada yang sepele. Mungkin mostly people think, entar ambil sastra mau kerja jadi apa? Atau, oh sastra gak ada apa-apanya lah dibandingkan kedokteran... Nope. I've been in medical school and now I'm in literature. Setiap ilmu berbeda dan berharga, gak ada yang useless. You can't define a person or judge a person's future berdasarkan ilmu yang didalaminya. Masalah pekerjaan itu tergantung sama keseriusan kita dalam mempelajari dan memperjuangkan sesuatu. Lagipula, Allah yang mengatur segalanya, bukan jurusan kuliah..

So, love yourself and be thankful on where you're now. It's not your major that defines you as a person, it's your attitudes towards people. Jangan sepele akan ilmu apapun because you know nothing. Hanya Allah Yang Maha tahu.

Cheers!! LACxx

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He Knows Nothing About the Girl

She doesn't sure where the howling storm that could only be felt by her takes place. Inside her heart or her head. But she is completely sure that everything upon the earth is fighting against her. The people, the things, the weather...

She knows she can always cope it, until one day came. The day when she has to make a tough decision. She asks herself again, "What is this?"

Does he know what she's been trough these last ten years?

Does he know that she's put out all the stops just in order to wash him away a few years ago?

Does he know why she's always been afraid to reveal or ask everything? She never demands the answer because she's afraid that if she knew the truth, she would be in grief. A complete grief.

He knows nothing that she's never missed only one day without wondering him in silence for these last ten years. She knows even if she told him, he would never believe her in a sec.

He knows nothing that it was completely burdensome for her to mere come to see him again after almost seven years. She needed to destroy the bricks that she had built to protect her heart.

He knows nothing that it was even tougher to come again to see him in an-under-sun graduation for her because the last goodbye almost couldn't be coped. She turned around more than three times under that rain, as many as she almost ran again to him.

He knows nothing that it was almost becoming an unjustified decision for her to step into his side again when he lost his mother. Death is petrified for her. The death and his tears were even too painful for her to cope, but she stayed.

He knows nothing that the girl had to experience pretty much difficult weeks as the aftermath events from coming to him again. How memory of the funeral and the tears streamed down on his cheeks put her into an odd pain.

He knows nothing that she always asks The God to help him. She thinks that she'll be fine if he's fine.

He knows nothing that the girl has to wake up and face the pain motion which directly attacks. As the aftermath of his cruel intentions.

He knows nothing. 

But the girl knows one thing; Everything that she believes about him is a mere dream.

~~~

LACx

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Materialism (Materialisme)

Out of the blue, tiba-tiba aja ingin bercerita tentang topik ini.

Materialisme adalah sebuah paham yang muncul dari adanya globalisasi yang menjadikan materi (benda) sebagai titik tolak segala hal. If you check your KBBI (KBBI: materialisme), materialisme sendiri berarti pandangan hidup yang mencari dasar segala sesuatu yang termasuk kehidupan manusia di dalam alam kebendaan semata-mata dengan mengesampingkan segala sesuatu yang mengatasi alam indera.

Then, why do I write about this one? Well, ini karena, as you can see around us, materialisme benar-benar telah menjadi dewa di society sekarang-sekarang ini. Materialisme menciptakan sebuah standar yang sebenarnya itu gak akan ada habisnya kalau mau diikutin terus. My lecturer pernah bahas tentang ini di salah satu mata kuliah dan lecture dari beliau itu benar-benar tepat sasaran dengan fenomena yang ada sekarang. Meski sebenarnya materialisme bukannya muncul di era milenial saja melainkan sudah ada sejak zaman dulu. Namun sepertinya efeknya kian menjadi-jadi karena the existence of media social.

Orang-orang kebanyakan gak sadar kalau mereka itu penjunjung dari materialisme. Pertama-tama coba lihat di media sosial, bagaimana the users hanya menampilkan sisi materi mereka saja. Barang-barang branded, hang out in the posh cafes, liburan di tempat-tempat yang lagi jadi trend, belum lagi pamerin kendaraan atau gadget mewah yang tampaknya menjadi hal biasa saja sekarang. Namun, tanpa disadari, sebuah standar kemudian terbentuk. Standar seperti apa? Standar hidup mewah, semewah-mewahnya. Kemudian sebuah perspektif dalam menilai sesuatu pun mulai berubah, termasuk menilai manusia.

Empati yang didasari oleh kemanusiaan perlahan-lahan bergeser lagi-lagi karena materialisme. Ketika seseorang melihat orang lain hanya dari penampilan mereka. Dari apa yang mereka pakai, apakah mahal atau tidak, apakah ponselnya bagus atau tidak, apakah tempat hang-out nya posh atau tidak, apakah kendaraan yang dipakainya mewah atau tidak, beroda dua, empat, atau tidak beroda sama sekali? And so on...

Kita akan menemukan orang-orang yang standarnya dinilai memenuhi, literally punya segala hal mewah di kehidupannya, akan sangat mudah diterima di society dan lebih dihargai. Lalu bagaimana dengan orang-orang yang dinilai hidup di bawah standar? Entahlah, tampaknya mereka tiba-tiba saja menjadi invisible dan kurang dihargai di society. Bukan hal baru ketika kau melihat orang-orang memberi sambutan mewah kepada orang bermobil mewah dan berpakaian mahal. Pintu gerbang dibuka lebar-lebar, dan kalimat-kalimat manis pun berhamburan untuk mereka seolah mereka adalah their saviour. Namun apa yang terjadi dengan orang yang tidak memiliki semua itu? Tentu saja mereka akan dianggap hina dan tidak penting sama sekali. Tidak ada orang yang mau berbasa-basi menerima dengan tangan terbuka orang-orang seperti itu.

Pada akhirnya, kelas-kelas sosial pun timbul. Bukan hanya di kalangan orang dewasa yang udah punya pekerjaan to make a living, fenomena materialisme ini juga sudah merambat di kalangan anak muda khususnya remaja. Mereka yang tidak memakai sepatu bermerek atau ponsel apel merasa minder berada di tengah-tengah komunitas sekolahnya. Bahkan lebih parahnya lagi, mereka yang tidak memiliki kendaraan sendiri untuk dipakai ke sekolah cenderung merasa malu. Hal ini bukan tanpa sebab, karena tentu saja orang-orang di sekitar mereka menuntut sebuah standar yang sebenarnya tidak jelas standarnya itu seperti apa dan sejauh mana.

You have to think that, kalau materi yang terus-terusan menjadi patokan kita untuk menilai segala aspek kehidupan, arti dari hidup itu sendiri perlahan-lahan akan hilang. Padahal hidup itu sendiri sebenarnya sudah sangat berharga. Pemberian Tuhan Yang Maha Kuasa yang bahkan tidak satupun makhluk bisa memberikannya. Namun semakin lama hidup semakin memiliki harga di dunia ini. Lama-kelamaan orang-orang menilai berharganya hidup seseorang hanya dari harga-harga materi yang melekat di tubuhnya. Mereka tidak lagi merasa orang-orang yang kelaparan di luar sana, yang homeless, uneducated, dan mungkin kotor juga memiliki nilai yang sangat berharga karena mereka juga hidup. 

Begitu berharganya hidup ini sampai tidak ada satu materi-pun di muka bumi ini yang sebanding dengan harganya. Hargailah hidup ini. Jangan biarkan materi menjadi standar harga hidup ini sendiri. Jangan biarkan materi menjadi hal yang terus dikejar-kejar demi memperoleh pengakuan manusia. Do you know sampai kemana standar manusia itu akan berakhir? Di atas langit juga masih ada langit. Kita gak akan dihukum kok sama Yang Punya Hidup kalau gak bisa liburan di hotel-hotel mewah, beli gadget-gadget mahal, atau gabung-gabung sama kalangan high society. 

Just love your life and be thankful for what you have now. Remember kalau semua ini hanya titipan. Materi itu adalah bagian dari tipu daya dunia ini sendiri. Kalau kita bisa afford misalnya Iphone 5, yah bersyukurlah, bukannya malah minder karena teman-teman udah bisa afford Iphone 7. Kalau kita pergi ke kampus cuman pake motor matic, bersyukurlah, jangan minder cuman karena teman-teman kita udah pake mobil...

Kembali lagi ke dunia social media. We all know kalau social media sekarang yang menciptakan standar bagi kehidupan manusia. Seolah-olah kita itu gak keren kalau gak pernah nampilin foto berupa barang-barang branded, makan di restoran-restoran mewah, belanja di mall yang paling mahal, liburan di hotel-hotel berbintang, atau yang paling sering dijumpain adalah ngumpul bareng temen-temen kaya. For what? Semua orang kemudian berusaha menampilkan hal-hal semacam itu demi memperbanyak followers, likes, comments, dan penilaian yang lebih tinggi dari orang-orang. Tanpa disadari, lagi-lagi materi yang menjadi titik penilaian semua orang. Lalu, materi yang seperti apa yang paling memenuhi standar di dunia ini? Tentu tidak ada yang tahu.

Kalau memang benar materi itu yang menjadi tolak ukur kebahagiaan dan adanya pengakuan dari semua orang, lalu kenapa masih saja banyak orang-orang kaya yang kalau dipikir-pikir memiliki segalanya malah commit suicide atau move to the drugs? Try to think about that...

So, here, I just want to remind anyone who read this not to be deceived or deluded by the materialism stuffs and its standards which is made by the people themselves. There is no such a standard. Bukan materi tujuan kita diberikan hidup di dunia ini. Bukan materi yang menilai berharganya tidak hidup kita ini. Bukan materi yang menjadi tolak ukur kita untuk berhubungan dengan sesama manusia. Hargailah bagaimanapun hidupmu dan hidup orang lain. Remember who we are and what we are doing here. Hanya Allah yang pantas memberi penilaian akan hidupmu, bukan manusia apalagi berdasarkan materi...

LACxxx

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How Do I Love Thee by Elizabeth Browning (1806-1861)

How Do I Love Thee

How do I Love thee? Let me count the ways.

I love thee to depth and breadth and height

My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight

For the ends of being and ideal grace.

I love thee to the level of every day's

Most quiet need, by sun and candle-light.

I love thee freely, as men strive for right.

I love thee purely, as they turn from praise.

I love thee with the passion put to use

I my old griefs, and with my childhood's faith.

I love thee with a love I seemed to lose

With my lost saints. I love thee with the breath,

Smiles, tears, of all my life; and, if God choose,

I shall but love thee better after death.

.

.

.

personal note:

My lecturer introduced us this poem and I immediately fell in love with the lines. The story behind Elizabeth wrote this poem was even way more beautiful as my lecturer had explained. Elizabeth dedicated it to her beloved husband, Robert Browning. Don't you think that this is the ideal explanations of love to someone? Maybe you can type on google to find out the analysis of the poem if you wish to reveal more. Poem talks more story than the lines^^

LACxxx

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It was June 27

It was June 27 2017. The year once I thought was my best year in these past three years. But that day wasn't a really great day as I've expected. On the evening of 26th, I received a bad news that I'd never given thought would possibly happen. His mother passed away...

I was about doing my translation task in front of the computer when one of the friend of ours informed me the news. Then I found my hands were trembling and I couldn't even eat my dinner. All I wanted to do was being on his side as soon as possible, even it was nearly impossible for me. I had to leave my homework unfinished and started to just stay on my bed as I felt an agony, let myself being consumed by the odd pain inside my chest. I didn't know why but I was completely fucked up as if I were the one who lost a mother. So many voices talked in my head, mostly argued about the fact that the news didn't come from himself but from our friend. Thus, I thought, he never wanted my presence at all. But I really wanted to come to convince him that I would be there no matter what, although I was also afraid of being rejected by him since I wasn't invited. I considered myself as an unimportant outsider for him who put out all the stops to hover around.

But in the end, like I always did before, I decided to just come to see him. I went to his house with a friend who informed me the news after spending a long night without getting a proper sleep. I had even waken up earlier than my own alarm. Worst, I nearly threw up in order to force myself finishing my breakfast. Completely fucked up!

Then I met him again. The person whose name is always mentioned in my prayers. His smiling face has always popped up in my smartphone, and the memory of his bright smiles has always haunted my mind. But that day was completely different. It wasn't a day I ever wish or think to come. It was another unexpected nightmare for me. He walked out of a door. He wore white clothes with white trousers and bare-footed. His face was very pale that for a second I thought he was a ghost, his black hair was a complete mess, and his expression was too painful for me to be seen. I didn't find the lights I used to see in his black little eyes. All that I could see was his pain that I turned my face to stare at my toes. I couldn't even manage a good conversation when he asked me about some things. I was just sitting there on the floor, hugging me knees, sometimes letting myself to see his face before turning my face again away from him. It was too difficult for me. He reminded me of my old pain of my father's death. Worst because that pain is combined with his.

That nightmare was getting clearer when I finally let myself to see his tears streaming down his face. I heard him talking about his lovely mother with a painful voice, or heard him praying for his first love ever on this earth, and watched him kissing his mother over and over as if he couldn't let her go. I had never planned for seeing those kind of scenes. Ever.

There was a huge lump in my throat that made me realise that I had no strength to say another goodbye. But I was positive that I had to leave. Of course I had to leave. What else I should do?

Under a too shining sun, I walked besides him after putting his mother to her resting place. "Don't cry anymore," I told him. I kept my voice as low as I could because I was afraid I could cry again. I looked into him, but immediately turned to my shoes as it was too difficult for me seeing his shining tears on his red cheeks. His eyes were almost sunk. But he still (always) managed a smile for me.

"I can't," he answered with a soft voice. And my world kept turning into pieces over and over again that day. 

I don't know anything about the God's faith for both of us, neither do I know his feelings towards me. All I know is my own feelings and what I always ask from God. But I never imagined that the world of mine can also turn into pieces just because I'm watching a person standing helplessly as his own world is turning into pieces in front of his eyes. But neither of us can do anything.

It's been a month. I had done a few stuffs in order to have a contact with him again, but never turned out well. He still refused to let me in. And I think I'm too tired to keep on trying. I just hope that maybe my prayers sometimes will arrive in his heart.

p.s: I wish I could do something to erase your pain. I wish I could give your happiness back. I wish you could let me cheer you up again. You know I would give anything upon this earth just for that. But those are helpless. Not because I don't want to, I just can't.

Lxxx

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