Summer of Autumn

She takes her usual seat in the bus, the last row by the window. I sit next to her, shoulders touching. She is looking out the window when the bus starts to move, to the colorful trees under the grey sky and the scattered wet leaves on the sidewalk. From the lightest yellow to the deepest red you can't decide whether they're brown.

I leaned to the seat and closed my eyes, trying to conjure up the memories we just had together in the park. Especially her image. She is the human form of a beautiful summer day. Even among the vivid colors of autumn she is still the most radiant. It is like looking to the beautiful sun that will never blind you.

She laughed to my lame jokes when we had Chinese takeaway on the picnic table. I watched how her head had tilted back before his hand moved to close her mouth. I decided her laugh is my favorite sound to hear on a daily basis. I should think more of stupid jokes.

She also frowned so deep when I started to tell her my unfortunate real stories. I had wanted to stop but she insisted that I should be open to her. So I continued and noticed an occasional pout when she didn't agree on something. It brings a little smile on me to think about that.

But after all that, she had brushed whatever dirt off my face with the soft tip of her fingers. She was suddenly too close. I could see the black rim around her dark brown eyes. And I had to resist the urge to catch her hand and bring them to my lips. But now I wish I was bolder.

"I'm so lucky to meet you," she said abruptly when we were standing in the bus stop.

I was too taken aback I lost all the words. So I just replied, "Me too."

There are ton of things I want to tell her, most of them are about how I truly feel. But I'm too afraid to cross the line and probably break the once I thought was platonic relationship. I've wanted more. I want so much more.

I'm still blaming my own cowardice in my own head when a warmth sneaks around my arm. Before I could react she has put her cheek against my shoulder. She's so close I can smell her floral shampoo from her hair. We have been this close, but never too close. I could feel how she seemed to set her own boundaries between us. But now I guess it's different. She's moving past them, offering me chances.

We are silent. I gently rest the side of my face on her head, savoring her warmth and scent. The mixed of faint jasmine and grass. My other hand begins to move to gather her hands into my palm. I don't hesitate now. It feels so right. And I've never been this calm and relieved before.

I buried my face in her hair without thinking, kissing her head long. When I finish, she shifts to look up into my eyes, grinning. I smile back and pull her closer into me. She says nothing but puts her head in the crook of my neck instead. 

I know in that moment I can never leave this girl. I'm trapped under her spells. So I murmured, "I want to tell you something."

xxLAC

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Little Duck

It's the universe again playing with her feeling.

When she comes across an old message from him. A very old one. The one that has slipped out of her memory completely.  But there it is, years later, and she reads it again.

He'd said she resembled one of his favorite character of a book. A little girl named after a flower. He'd said she and the little girl from the book shared some similar interests and even traits. But when the little girl's name was after a flower, her character had a funny nickname "Little Duck".

She rememberes feeling both happy and dissatisfied by his opinion. Happy because he'd compared her to a very lovable character. Dissatisfied because she'd wanted to be compared to a more matured character instead of a little girl. But she realises now, they were just two kids obsessing over the same books.

And after all those years, the last sentences of the message hit her differently. That Little Duck in the book died in the end. And he'd said "But I don't want you to die like the girl in the story."

Now she laughs. She knows it must have been a flattering messages for her younger self. But it's an irony for her now.

Because sometimes dying isn't as simple as he reads from the book.

She wants to tell him now that his wish had been a void. The little duck's been dead. Years ago. Not too long after they'd decided to take a different path, to leave all of their favorite books and playlists behind. 

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Alternate Universe

 In an alternate universe;

He would walk to her campus with a chocolate in the pocket.

She would smile at him like an idiot on the sidewalk.

And they would sit on the park bench under the rustling trees.

In an alternate universe;

She would rant about her essays.

He would tell her hundreds of different things she had never heard.

And when the sun went down, they would have her favorite Chinese food in town.

In an alternate universe;

She would read for hours in their university library.

He would keep her company by dozing off across the table.

But the rest of the afternoon she would walk with him by the lake.

With their hands intertwined, never letting go.

In an alternate universe;

She would put her head on his chest when everything went rough.

He would pull her closer to his heart, whispering, “It’s okay. It’ll be okay.”

She would be relieved for him.

And he would be grateful for her.

In an alternate universe;

She wasn’t broken.

He wasn’t messed up.

Neither were damaged, and the world was a whole bright color.

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Reunited

 I could recognise him anywhere. Even in the sea of people bustling all directions. His wavy raven-black hair looked bluish under the streetlights, a significant contrast to his pale face. But his smile was like a blazing fire in the cold, radiating its warmth right into my heart, my pounding heart.

“Look at you,” he said without losing his gaze to me. “You’ve always told me about England or Australia. But look where you are! United States?”

I smiled. “Weird, isn’t it?”

“You escaped too far. It’s across the planet, and it’s freezing,” he shuddered. There was a faint blue shadow under his eyes. 

“I know,” I said still in disbelief.

The reality hit me again. He’s here. Solid and real, so close. I could even touch him, talk to him. There were tons of questions I had in mind and things I wanted to show him. But I just stared at him instead, afraid that he could probably disappear into the thin air. Or worse, waking up in my own bedroom only to have another breakdown.

He stared at me back, his smile vanished and for a second his eyes looked sad. He stepped forward closing our distance and hugged me. His chin rested on my shoulder. 

“I find you,” he whispered. His voice was barely audible in the middle of traffic noise. 

I took a deep breath as the memories of home burst around me. He was still smelled like the black tea, only without sunlight but freezing air and musky dust from the long flight. He was cold and warm at the same time.

When he pulled me tighter with both arms, I mumbled, “You have no idea how much I missed you.”

He was quiet for a few seconds, before murmuring, “I miss you too. I didn’t know I would fly half of the planet to be with you. But even if you returned to Mars, I would still find my way to you.”

I smiled, my throat tightened as tears streaming down in silence. “I know,” I managed to respond but my voice cracked from crying. “But you don’t have to be overdramatic like that.”

He laughed and stroked my head gently. “Are you crying? Oh, my sensitive little Martian, don’t cry. I’m here.”

I laughed too between my tears and buried my face on his damp jacket. Now everything was right. Again. Even all the dull colours of winter turned bright.

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Happy New Year!

 Happy new year!!!

Wow I can’t believe it’s 2021 already. 2020 had been a confusing roller coaster ride. Nothing significant happened to me since I had to stay at home for nine months.

I’ve wanted to write something here to welcome the new year since this morning, but my head was a mess and fortunately SMTown gave us a free live concert. So yeah.

As we all know 2020 had been difficult and full of unexpected turning events. Who would’ve thought such a pandemic would hit the world? An invisible virus that turned everything upside down...

And as a commoner in a developing country, the effects were inevitable. Some days it felt surreal other days it hit me like a wrecking ball.

But let’s avoid talking about the government of this country and the majority of people in dealing with this once in a lifetime pandemic. Because I want my mind to stay in peace.

Albeit feeling tremendously useless in 2020, I learned a  lot. I found new perspectives in understanding life and people, and myself. I even found some new hobbies I had never imagined before; watching or listening to true crimes stories and reading trivial histories. Now I sound like a smart aleck when the truth is I’m still a thick hopeless romantic.

But I had a hunch that probably God sent us a virus to remind us that “it’s okay to slow down and stop trying to control something you can’t even control.” Or maybe that’s just an excuse made by my own head because I’m just a lazy penniless introvert.

Also.. basically life sucks, crust dwellers! But we’re alive so just keep on living~

And stop telling people to do something they can’t even control. Living itself is already hard enough. There are too many variables and complexities happen to an individual that make them what they are. Much less in the 2020.

What I’m trying to say is (especially to myself), it’s okay to not accomplish anything last year. Life goes on. And people might still ask you a bunch of questions that the answers should be answered by God himself in whatever you do. But remember we are enough. We matter. Even when I think I’m a big walking disappointment, I’m still thinking I’m important. Because we’re alive, folks! We’re not ghouls haunting the abandoned places.

Now I’m going to talk about myself again.

So, what have I done in 2020 besides breathing? Dozing off whilst watching dramas or youtube... But I don’t think it’s counted. So the answer is nothing.

I also became a slow sensitive reader. With my fluctuating moods and messed up mind, I had a difficult time to finish a book. I still read fictions by the way, I had tried to read non fictions but my brain wasn’t made for intelligence reads. I could only read a few pages a day before thinking “Oh, this is too much” or “Give me a good love story!” or “These dumbass characters...” and just stopped reading for weeks. But heil children books I still managed to complete my annual book challenge. Because they were only a few pages and didn’t require your brain capability, only your wild childish imagination.

2020 also made me better at doing house chores. I used to love doing house chores only in The Sims now I began to love it in real life thanks to this quarantine. My cookings also got better, which in my case they were no longer bland. But it’s still limited in cooking veggies and various types of noodle, or grilling fish. Because I can’t handle popping hot oil and complicated south-eastern spices.

Wow it gets even more unimportant and garbage-like here. I should’ve written something inspiring and motivating for public. But I don’t believe in motivations because like I said before, too many variables and complexities happen to an individual, easy motivating words cannot relate. And my life isn’t inspiring at all.. So just bear with it.

But my cats’ life is more inspiring maybe they should write in my blog instead of me.

Once again, happy new year! I wish our days ahead are still full of loves and positive attitudes. And I wish this civilisation we have now stay and get better because I don’t want to witness a falling civilisation... Make it happen when I no longer exist.

xxL

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Reason

"Which one would you prefer? To love or be loved?" one asked.

"To love," the other answered quietly.

"Why?" It wasn't an answer one had expected.

"Does someone need a reason to love someone else?" the other asked in return with unreadable expression.

"I don't think so," one whispered, smiling.

The other smiled back.

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My Own Star

The sky was clear. I could see the stars twinkling like a thousand lights above our head. The December air was icy-cold on my face, but somehow I felt warm, as we were walking side by side for the first time.

"I'd never seen so many stars like this before," he said in admiration. The wind played with his tousled raven hair, a striking contrast to his blushing face.

We stopped walking to sit on the damp soil of the hill, gazing up to the constellations, shoulders touching each other's. I turned my head, finding his obsidian eyes widened. Two black mirrors reflecting the lights.

"They're from the past," I murmured. "You're looking at the past."

"Hem?" he blinked and stared at me, bewildered.

"The stars, they're from the past," I explained again softly. "And they are dying now."

"What?" he looked completely taken aback. I had thought everyone knew it.

I held my gaze to the sky once again, trying to hide my smile. "Some will explode or fade once you turn your gaze away."

"Wow, that sounds terrible," he breathed.

"I know. Life sometimes is just a blink of an eye," I shrugged.

"But there is still one star that stays. Until the end. No matter how many times you blink or turn your eyes away," he smiled now. "The sun."

I returned his smile. "You're right. The sun is also a star."

"Even when you turn your gaze away, or when you can't see it in the darkness of night, the sun will always be there. So bright and so alive, lighting up the galaxy."

"That's so beautiful, you know," I told him and moved closer, put my head gently on his shoulder.

He moved slightly and put his arms around my shoulders, his cheek on my head. "And I will be the sun for you. Lighting up your days until the end. Your galaxy," he murmured.

"You don't have to. My galaxy is already lit up even without you being the sun," I replied quietly. "Your mere existence is already radiant. Resplendent. You just have to be yourself, and that's enough."

He chuckled. "You always describe something beautifully. I can't help but being weak on my knees listening to your words. It's impossible not to give all of me for you, you little witch."

I smiled again and closed my eyes, relishing our moment. His scent, his warm embrace, the pine-flavoured breeze, the rustling leaves...

"I must be a lucky witch."

"Hem. And I am even luckier," he almost whispered and pulled me closer tightly.

Everything had been a mess once. The shattered pieces of a fragile world. Until he came so suddenly like a shining celestial object falling to the atmosphere, and took my hand. The person I could lean my head on. The person I could love freely without hesitation. The person made everything right. Easy. Enough. And I didn't want to let go.



xxLAC

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