Sunset

I sat there, on a pale blanket, where he lied with his back beneath the morning sun. I moved my finger along his spine, making invisible abstract patterns like a three-year-old. But my mind was all over the place.

To the twisted bedsheet in the bedroom. To his scattered clothes on the floor. To the empty boxes of Chinese takeaway on the coffee table. To his warm kisses pampering all over my body. To the ticking time...

I could almost hear the sound of it from my watch despite the noise. Tick tock. Tick Tock. Tick Tock.

I looked away and put my chin on knees, watching the emerald waves lashing the shoreline. The gentle sound of it mixed together with the high pitch giggles of children every time their feet touched the water.

He must have felt the change of my mood as he suddenly closed his book and sat up. I couldn't see his eyes behind the shades but his mouth twitched into a smile. A smile I would give everything to see every day of every seasons.

"What are you thinking?" he asked gently scrutinizing my expression.

"Nothing," I replied, returning his smile with a grin.

He shifted closer and wrapped his hand on my shoulder. Yet all I could feel was he moved further. Too far I could no longer reach.

“Do you want to leave now?” He asked again.

“Are you done?”

“Yes, let’s just go somewhere,” he grabbed his t-shirt and put it on before giving his hand to me. “It’s getting hotter. You don’t really like the heat anyways.”

We drove for quite some time around the familiar town before pulling into a small coffee shop with air conditioner. He ordered for us and we sat near the large window overlooking the wide field. He cupped my hand with both hands, caressing my wrist gently. I really needed this time to stop. 

“I wish I could stay longer,” he began quietly as if he could read my mind.

“But you can’t,” it barely was a whisper.

“You know I can’t.”

“I know.”

He touched my chin and looking at me. His amber eyes looked ablaze in the sunlit room. But there was a flicker of sadness in them.

“I’m coming back,” he said. 

I nodded. But I knew this time he wouldn’t. He would never come back. Because I wouldn’t stay. Not anymore. 

“Let’s watch the sunset again today!” I tried cheerfully, hiding my true emotion. Perhaps it would be the last time. And I wanted him as much as I could.

“Your wish my command!” He chuckled.

I reached out to touch his face. He took my hand and kissed it long. His lips were warm and I could feel my throat tightened. I blinked back my tears trying to store this moment into my head.

After this, maybe sometimes he would remember me. 

When he'd walk along the beach with the woman in a picture inside his wallet. When he'd watch the summer sunset somewhere on this earth with her in his arms. When he'd kiss her in a small Cafe. Or when he'd touch her in a dim room. Because I would too.

But time and memory were never allies to begin with. One day I would not remember the exact color of his eyes. Or the sound of my name coming out from his lips. One day it would be just a moment in time.

A moment we never shared to anyone but each other.

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James

 The moment he closed our distance I knew it would happen. He brought his face to mine in a really careful and slow motion until our lips touched, sending shivers all over my body. I was aware of the thousands arguments inside my own head as I was contemplating what to do with the kiss. But his lips were so warm and soft as they moved gently against mine, and familiar. I stopped thinking, closed my eyes, fingernails dug into my palms.

He pulled me into him as if we still had some space left when his kiss deepened. I could see the yellow-green light around us changed into burst of crimsons from my closed eyes, shutting off my brain. I finally let go of my fingers, feeling the gentle buzz of electricity to the tips, and brought my hands around his back. He was hesitant, careful, and desperate at the same time. At this point I realized I had lost track of everything. The time, the space, the universe. The line had gone into a blur and I stepped on it again. And lost.

Lost in the sharp scent of pine needles and his intoxicating smell. The mixture of musk, fresh soap and his own sweat. Lost to his too warm body around me. I could no longer feel the chill air around us.

When we finally broke apart, I was already in his tight embrace. Flushed and warm. I opened my eyes to find his eyes weren't opened. He was so close I could trace the purple veins on his pale eyelids. And how his long lashes resting quietly on his now scarlet cheeks. It must have been a dream.

"Say you forgive me, please!" He whispered between his ragged breath and opened his eyes. They were the darkest shades of brown, almost black, just like his hair. But tears were pooling on them, like a clear glass. I could find hopes and heartache mixed in their depth. My heart clenched, the warmth I had was fading like a mist. I was cold once again. Weak.

He'd come at the worst time possible into my complicated life. For months I had built this huge wall between us, creating an also big void into my heart in the process. A pathetic attempt to preserve what could be remain. Even when nothing remained after all. But maybe I had been too weak to protect it. Or maybe my heart was bound to destruction. 

I'd given it up. I'd taken his hand and walked with him into this wicked faith again, hoping to fill the gaping void inside my chest. Because it wasn't the first time.

So I went quiet for a moment before murmuring his name, "James."

I put my hand on his face, tracing his stubbled jaw, his lips, his high nose, and the tender spot under his eyes. He was leaning into my touch when the tears began to fall on his cheeks. 

"I don't know how to forgive," I added in a mere whisper.

Tears were still streaming down when he took both of my hands into his heart. He looked down into them without looking at me, apologizing again. He didn't know, the fault had never been on him, it had always been mine to begin with. I was just too broken to either forgive or let him go. 

I wanted to say no. I wanted to pull my hands from him and took off. I wanted to save both of us from this ruins. But I guessed I had never been that strong. And my selfishness had been too great. 

So, I told him, "Just stay. Do not ever let me go, James. Stay."

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Summer of Autumn

She takes her usual seat in the bus, the last row by the window. I sit next to her, shoulders touching. She is looking out the window when the bus starts to move, to the colorful trees under the grey sky and the scattered wet leaves on the sidewalk. From the lightest yellow to the deepest red you can't decide whether they're brown.

I leaned to the seat and closed my eyes, trying to conjure up the memories we just had together in the park. Especially her image. She is the human form of a beautiful summer day. Even among the vivid colors of autumn she is still the most radiant. It is like looking to the beautiful sun that will never blind you.

She laughed to my lame jokes when we had Chinese takeaway on the picnic table. I watched how her head had tilted back before his hand moved to close her mouth. I decided her laugh is my favorite sound to hear on a daily basis. I should think more of stupid jokes.

She also frowned so deep when I started to tell her my unfortunate real stories. I had wanted to stop but she insisted that I should be open to her. So I continued and noticed an occasional pout when she didn't agree on something. It brings a little smile on me to think about that.

But after all that, she had brushed whatever dirt off my face with the soft tip of her fingers. She was suddenly too close. I could see the black rim around her dark brown eyes. And I had to resist the urge to catch her hand and bring them to my lips. But now I wish I was bolder.

"I'm so lucky to meet you," she said abruptly when we were standing in the bus stop.

I was too taken aback I lost all the words. So I just replied, "Me too."

There are ton of things I want to tell her, most of them are about how I truly feel. But I'm too afraid to cross the line and probably break the once I thought was platonic relationship. I've wanted more. I want so much more.

I'm still blaming my own cowardice in my own head when a warmth sneaks around my arm. Before I could react she has put her cheek against my shoulder. She's so close I can smell her floral shampoo from her hair. We have been this close, but never too close. I could feel how she seemed to set her own boundaries between us. But now I guess it's different. She's moving past them, offering me chances.

We are silent. I gently rest the side of my face on her head, savoring her warmth and scent. The mixed of faint jasmine and grass. My other hand begins to move to gather her hands into my palm. I don't hesitate now. It feels so right. And I've never been this calm and relieved before.

I buried my face in her hair without thinking, kissing her head long. When I finish, she shifts to look up into my eyes, grinning. I smile back and pull her closer into me. She says nothing but puts her head in the crook of my neck instead. 

I know in that moment I can never leave this girl. I'm trapped under her spells. So I murmured, "I want to tell you something."

xxLAC

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Little Duck

It's the universe again playing with her feeling.

When she comes across an old message from him. A very old one. The one that has slipped out of her memory completely.  But there it is, years later, and she reads it again.

He'd said she resembled one of his favorite character of a book. A little girl named after a flower. He'd said she and the little girl from the book shared some similar interests and even traits. But when the little girl's name was after a flower, her character had a funny nickname "Little Duck".

She rememberes feeling both happy and dissatisfied by his opinion. Happy because he'd compared her to a very lovable character. Dissatisfied because she'd wanted to be compared to a more matured character instead of a little girl. But she realises now, they were just two kids obsessing over the same books.

And after all those years, the last sentences of the message hit her differently. That Little Duck in the book died in the end. And he'd said "But I don't want you to die like the girl in the story."

Now she laughs. She knows it must have been a flattering messages for her younger self. But it's an irony for her now.

Because sometimes dying isn't as simple as he reads from the book.

She wants to tell him now that his wish had been a void. The little duck's been dead. Years ago. Not too long after they'd decided to take a different path, to leave all of their favorite books and playlists behind. 

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Alternate Universe

 In an alternate universe;

He would walk to her campus with a chocolate in the pocket.

She would smile at him like an idiot on the sidewalk.

And they would sit on the park bench under the rustling trees.

In an alternate universe;

She would rant about her essays.

He would tell her hundreds of different things she had never heard.

And when the sun went down, they would have her favorite Chinese food in town.

In an alternate universe;

She would read for hours in their university library.

He would keep her company by dozing off across the table.

But the rest of the afternoon she would walk with him by the lake.

With their hands intertwined, never letting go.

In an alternate universe;

She would put her head on his chest when everything went rough.

He would pull her closer to his heart, whispering, “It’s okay. It’ll be okay.”

She would be relieved for him.

And he would be grateful for her.

In an alternate universe;

She wasn’t broken.

He wasn’t messed up.

Neither were damaged, and the world was a whole bright color.

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Reunited

 I could recognise him anywhere. Even in the sea of people bustling all directions. His wavy raven-black hair looked bluish under the streetlights, a significant contrast to his pale face. But his smile was like a blazing fire in the cold, radiating its warmth right into my heart, my pounding heart.

“Look at you,” he said without losing his gaze to me. “You’ve always told me about England or Australia. But look where you are! United States?”

I smiled. “Weird, isn’t it?”

“You escaped too far. It’s across the planet, and it’s freezing,” he shuddered. There was a faint blue shadow under his eyes. 

“I know,” I said still in disbelief.

The reality hit me again. He’s here. Solid and real, so close. I could even touch him, talk to him. There were tons of questions I had in mind and things I wanted to show him. But I just stared at him instead, afraid that he could probably disappear into the thin air. Or worse, waking up in my own bedroom only to have another breakdown.

He stared at me back, his smile vanished and for a second his eyes looked sad. He stepped forward closing our distance and hugged me. His chin rested on my shoulder. 

“I find you,” he whispered. His voice was barely audible in the middle of traffic noise. 

I took a deep breath as the memories of home burst around me. He was still smelled like the black tea, only without sunlight but freezing air and musky dust from the long flight. He was cold and warm at the same time.

When he pulled me tighter with both arms, I mumbled, “You have no idea how much I missed you.”

He was quiet for a few seconds, before murmuring, “I miss you too. I didn’t know I would fly half of the planet to be with you. But even if you returned to Mars, I would still find my way to you.”

I smiled, my throat tightened as tears streaming down in silence. “I know,” I managed to respond but my voice cracked from crying. “But you don’t have to be overdramatic like that.”

He laughed and stroked my head gently. “Are you crying? Oh, my sensitive little Martian, don’t cry. I’m here.”

I laughed too between my tears and buried my face on his damp jacket. Now everything was right. Again. Even all the dull colours of winter turned bright.

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Happy New Year!

 Happy new year!!!

Wow I can’t believe it’s 2021 already. 2020 had been a confusing roller coaster ride. Nothing significant happened to me since I had to stay at home for nine months.

I’ve wanted to write something here to welcome the new year since this morning, but my head was a mess and fortunately SMTown gave us a free live concert. So yeah.

As we all know 2020 had been difficult and full of unexpected turning events. Who would’ve thought such a pandemic would hit the world? An invisible virus that turned everything upside down...

And as a commoner in a developing country, the effects were inevitable. Some days it felt surreal other days it hit me like a wrecking ball.

But let’s avoid talking about the government of this country and the majority of people in dealing with this once in a lifetime pandemic. Because I want my mind to stay in peace.

Albeit feeling tremendously useless in 2020, I learned a  lot. I found new perspectives in understanding life and people, and myself. I even found some new hobbies I had never imagined before; watching or listening to true crimes stories and reading trivial histories. Now I sound like a smart aleck when the truth is I’m still a thick hopeless romantic.

But I had a hunch that probably God sent us a virus to remind us that “it’s okay to slow down and stop trying to control something you can’t even control.” Or maybe that’s just an excuse made by my own head because I’m just a lazy penniless introvert.

Also.. basically life sucks, crust dwellers! But we’re alive so just keep on living~

And stop telling people to do something they can’t even control. Living itself is already hard enough. There are too many variables and complexities happen to an individual that make them what they are. Much less in the 2020.

What I’m trying to say is (especially to myself), it’s okay to not accomplish anything last year. Life goes on. And people might still ask you a bunch of questions that the answers should be answered by God himself in whatever you do. But remember we are enough. We matter. Even when I think I’m a big walking disappointment, I’m still thinking I’m important. Because we’re alive, folks! We’re not ghouls haunting the abandoned places.

Now I’m going to talk about myself again.

So, what have I done in 2020 besides breathing? Dozing off whilst watching dramas or youtube... But I don’t think it’s counted. So the answer is nothing.

I also became a slow sensitive reader. With my fluctuating moods and messed up mind, I had a difficult time to finish a book. I still read fictions by the way, I had tried to read non fictions but my brain wasn’t made for intelligence reads. I could only read a few pages a day before thinking “Oh, this is too much” or “Give me a good love story!” or “These dumbass characters...” and just stopped reading for weeks. But heil children books I still managed to complete my annual book challenge. Because they were only a few pages and didn’t require your brain capability, only your wild childish imagination.

2020 also made me better at doing house chores. I used to love doing house chores only in The Sims now I began to love it in real life thanks to this quarantine. My cookings also got better, which in my case they were no longer bland. But it’s still limited in cooking veggies and various types of noodle, or grilling fish. Because I can’t handle popping hot oil and complicated south-eastern spices.

Wow it gets even more unimportant and garbage-like here. I should’ve written something inspiring and motivating for public. But I don’t believe in motivations because like I said before, too many variables and complexities happen to an individual, easy motivating words cannot relate. And my life isn’t inspiring at all.. So just bear with it.

But my cats’ life is more inspiring maybe they should write in my blog instead of me.

Once again, happy new year! I wish our days ahead are still full of loves and positive attitudes. And I wish this civilisation we have now stay and get better because I don’t want to witness a falling civilisation... Make it happen when I no longer exist.

xxL

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