In Silence

 It was just a glance, I had told myself one day.

Gave it a time and it turned into something more than a glance. Much much more than that.

It turned into a staring contest from across the room. Until he turned away and chuckled, shaking his head in disbelief.

It turned into a brief hands squeezing in a packed elevator. He would give me a smirk before stepping away first.

It even turned into stolen kisses in an empty hallway. A brief touch on the lips but enough to keep a warm ember inside my little cursed heart.

“I love you,” he whispered one day in a quiet of the night. His voice was so low and raspy for a second I thought I was imagining it.

But he tightened his embrace around me and pulled me even closer, as if we still had a space between us.

I put my face in the crook of his neck, feeling the warmth of him, the beat of his jugular. 

I wanted to say it back. I really wanted to say it back. But my tongue was tied. The words frightened me. 

“I know,” I told him instead. 

He didn’t say anything anymore but buried his face on the top of my head.

If I said the words back, out loud, the devil would turn around.

This intoxicating smell I breathed in. This warmth of these two tough hands around me. This body I held so tight keeping me alive. And this love I would forever preserve in my silence, would be taken away without mercy.

Just like everything else I had before.

So, I blinked back my tears and prayed in my heart, “Let me be enough for this person in this lifetime.”

xxLAC

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Fragments of Fiction

 Here are some of the scribbles I wrote these past few weeks. I can’t remember the last time I did really write something properly. I always had ideas but I couldn’t compose the beginning or the end. So, yeah. These are only some tragic fragments of fictional stories I have in my notes out of my chaotic head. P.S: none of them are related so..

— one

“Turn around,” I whispered.

But he kept walking away. His broad shoulders looked smaller from a distance.

The sunlight peeking through the giant trees touched his hair, together with the soft breeze of the summer.

“Please, turn around.” I whispered again to the wind.

But I stood there, as still as a lamppost.

Would he turn around if I called his name?

Could I even make a sound at all?

Should I just run into him like a mad one?

I took a step forward. Only a step before I stopped.

Just like I always did.

So he went away.

Further and further until he disappeared.

…

— two

You would never notice it if you didn’t pay attention. But I did.

How he would knit his brows before shaking his head when he didn’t agree on something.

How he would take extra seconds staring at me after hearing my lame jokes. As if he couldn’t believe such a strange person did exist around him.

Or how his voice turned lower when he started to talk about something that bothered him.

But I noticed it. I noticed everything.

I had no idea how or when it all started. I woke up one morning and my world was gravitating towards him.

Maybe he put a spell under me. 

Or maybe, I accidentally created another way of my own demise again. 

…

— three

“Fall is always pretty, isn’t it?” One of my friend said on one afternoon, joining me to sit by the window.

I nodded. But we’re not looking at the same thing.

I wasn’t looking at the colorful leaves dancing with the wind outside. Or to the blue of the sky stretching overhead.

I was looking at a reflection of someone in that glass window.

He was sitting on his chair, thrumming his legs to the floor. Sometimes he frowned. But most of the time he smiled or laughed with his friend nearby.

I wondered what kind of stories they’re talking about to make him smile ear to ear like that. 

Because I realized, he never did that with me around.

Until at one point he turned his head right into the window. His eyes found mine.

One second, two seconds, three seconds.

I turned away.

…

XxLAC

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(Another) New Year Post

 Honestly speaking, I feel like it’s still 2020 or 2021 but it’s 2025 what???

2024 has been crazy. 2014 is still on the top list (in a most negative meaning) but 2024 is just, startling? Astonishing? I don’t know man, English isn’t my first language unfortunately.

If you read my 2024 new year post, you would know my plan was just living in a more peaceful situation and finding the love of my life. Turns out, I’m just moving across the ocean and surviving alone like a real human. Not that I wasn’t a human before but, I hope you understand what I mean.

So, basically 2024 was full of tears (definitely since I’m a soft crybaby), blessings, chances, new places, new people, and everything I never expected could happen in a span of 8 months.

I moved from my little town to this enormous, busy, chaotic city to live by myself. The first 6 months were the most difficult especially on September to October. I spent most of my mornings before work to cry. I just missed everything at home and asking God (while in ugly tears) if it’s the right decision to make. I kept getting the urge to just book the ticket back home and left everything behind. 

But of course, despite all of the hardships, God let me be with people I’m so grateful for. And even until now, I think my biggest blessings are having good friends around in a strange city.

There’s this point when I had to go to an emergency unit and I was crying on that hospital bed not because of the pain, but because I was feeling both emotional my family wasn’t there and grateful because my best friend was there with me. I realized physical pain wouldn’t kill you but loneliness could.

Other than that, please don’t ask me or get me started about my work. I don’t want to talk about that. Let me deal with it in a silent cursing.

So yeah, now I’m here. Getting older in a faraway city. Still thinking about what might the future hold or if I get to meet the love of my life here. 

It’s still difficult sometimes, but I survived. And I pray for the better this year. We can never runaway from hardships, but we always have God with us. Now I sound like a preacher. But it’s true…

I actually have a lot in my head but I’m just too tired to think and write more. So cheers to more blessings, health, loves, strength, peace, and the contentment of our hearts!

Notes: Hope I get to write something again here soon.

xxLAC

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