It was June 27

It was June 27 2017. The year once I thought was my best year in these past three years. But that day wasn't a really great day as I've expected. On the evening of 26th, I received a bad news that I'd never given thought would possibly happen. His mother passed away...

I was about doing my translation task in front of the computer when one of the friend of ours informed me the news. Then I found my hands were trembling and I couldn't even eat my dinner. All I wanted to do was being on his side as soon as possible, even it was nearly impossible for me. I had to leave my homework unfinished and started to just stay on my bed as I felt an agony, let myself being consumed by the odd pain inside my chest. I didn't know why but I was completely fucked up as if I were the one who lost a mother. So many voices talked in my head, mostly argued about the fact that the news didn't come from himself but from our friend. Thus, I thought, he never wanted my presence at all. But I really wanted to come to convince him that I would be there no matter what, although I was also afraid of being rejected by him since I wasn't invited. I considered myself as an unimportant outsider for him who put out all the stops to hover around.

But in the end, like I always did before, I decided to just come to see him. I went to his house with a friend who informed me the news after spending a long night without getting a proper sleep. I had even waken up earlier than my own alarm. Worst, I nearly threw up in order to force myself finishing my breakfast. Completely fucked up!

Then I met him again. The person whose name is always mentioned in my prayers. His smiling face has always popped up in my smartphone, and the memory of his bright smiles has always haunted my mind. But that day was completely different. It wasn't a day I ever wish or think to come. It was another unexpected nightmare for me. He walked out of a door. He wore white clothes with white trousers and bare-footed. His face was very pale that for a second I thought he was a ghost, his black hair was a complete mess, and his expression was too painful for me to be seen. I didn't find the lights I used to see in his black little eyes. All that I could see was his pain that I turned my face to stare at my toes. I couldn't even manage a good conversation when he asked me about some things. I was just sitting there on the floor, hugging me knees, sometimes letting myself to see his face before turning my face again away from him. It was too difficult for me. He reminded me of my old pain of my father's death. Worst because that pain is combined with his.

That nightmare was getting clearer when I finally let myself to see his tears streaming down his face. I heard him talking about his lovely mother with a painful voice, or heard him praying for his first love ever on this earth, and watched him kissing his mother over and over as if he couldn't let her go. I had never planned for seeing those kind of scenes. Ever.

There was a huge lump in my throat that made me realise that I had no strength to say another goodbye. But I was positive that I had to leave. Of course I had to leave. What else I should do?

Under a too shining sun, I walked besides him after putting his mother to her resting place. "Don't cry anymore," I told him. I kept my voice as low as I could because I was afraid I could cry again. I looked into him, but immediately turned to my shoes as it was too difficult for me seeing his shining tears on his red cheeks. His eyes were almost sunk. But he still (always) managed a smile for me.

"I can't," he answered with a soft voice. And my world kept turning into pieces over and over again that day. 

I don't know anything about the God's faith for both of us, neither do I know his feelings towards me. All I know is my own feelings and what I always ask from God. But I never imagined that the world of mine can also turn into pieces just because I'm watching a person standing helplessly as his own world is turning into pieces in front of his eyes. But neither of us can do anything.

It's been a month. I had done a few stuffs in order to have a contact with him again, but never turned out well. He still refused to let me in. And I think I'm too tired to keep on trying. I just hope that maybe my prayers sometimes will arrive in his heart.

p.s: I wish I could do something to erase your pain. I wish I could give your happiness back. I wish you could let me cheer you up again. You know I would give anything upon this earth just for that. But those are helpless. Not because I don't want to, I just can't.

Lxxx