James

 The moment he closed our distance I knew it would happen. He brought his face to mine in a really careful and slow motion until our lips touched, sending shivers all over my body. I was aware of the thousands arguments inside my own head as I was contemplating what to do with the kiss. But his lips were so warm and soft as they moved gently against mine, and familiar. I stopped thinking, closed my eyes, fingernails dug into my palms.

He pulled me into him as if we still had some space left when his kiss deepened. I could see the yellow-green light around us changed into burst of crimsons from my closed eyes, shutting off my brain. I finally let go of my fingers, feeling the gentle buzz of electricity to the tips, and brought my hands around his back. He was hesitant, careful, and desperate at the same time. At this point I realized I had lost track of everything. The time, the space, the universe. The line had gone into a blur and I stepped on it again. And lost.

Lost in the sharp scent of pine needles and his intoxicating smell. The mixture of musk, fresh soap and his own sweat. Lost to his too warm body around me. I could no longer feel the chill air around us.

When we finally broke apart, I was already in his tight embrace. Flushed and warm. I opened my eyes to find his eyes weren't opened. He was so close I could trace the purple veins on his pale eyelids. And how his long lashes resting quietly on his now scarlet cheeks. It must have been a dream.

"Say you forgive me, please!" He whispered between his ragged breath and opened his eyes. They were the darkest shades of brown, almost black, just like his hair. But tears were pooling on them, like a clear glass. I could find hopes and heartache mixed in their depth. My heart clenched, the warmth I had was fading like a mist. I was cold once again. Weak.

He'd come at the worst time possible into my complicated life. For months I had built this huge wall between us, creating an also big void into my heart in the process. A pathetic attempt to preserve what could be remain. Even when nothing remained after all. But maybe I had been too weak to protect it. Or maybe my heart was bound to destruction. 

I'd given it up. I'd taken his hand and walked with him into this wicked faith again, hoping to fill the gaping void inside my chest. Because it wasn't the first time.

So I went quiet for a moment before murmuring his name, "James."

I put my hand on his face, tracing his stubbled jaw, his lips, his high nose, and the tender spot under his eyes. He was leaning into my touch when the tears began to fall on his cheeks. 

"I don't know how to forgive," I added in a mere whisper.

Tears were still streaming down when he took both of my hands into his heart. He looked down into them without looking at me, apologizing again. He didn't know, the fault had never been on him, it had always been mine to begin with. I was just too broken to either forgive or let him go. 

I wanted to say no. I wanted to pull my hands from him and took off. I wanted to save both of us from this ruins. But I guessed I had never been that strong. And my selfishness had been too great. 

So, I told him, "Just stay. Do not ever let me go, James. Stay."